She'll Take It
by thenostalgicdreamer
Summary: On New Year's Eve, Trish's feelings for Dez hit her in a whole new way.


_For C.M._

 _Thankful for everything your kindness has taught me_

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It's the biggest night of the year to be a de la Rosa, and Trish is not even sure if she wants to be home. Her family throws the most epic New Year's Eve party every year hosting all of their family and friends. There's piles of the most delicious food that you could imagine. It's food that Trish would never ever take for granted because she knows just how many hours it takes to prepare. They eat and drink and talk and dance until long after midnight. She always goes to bed with achy feet and a smile on her face. Tonight for the first time, she's torn about whether she actually wants to stay home and celebrate with her family. She has no doubt that it's going to be just as good of a party as it always is and that she'll be missed if she doesn't make an appearance. She'll probably hear about it all year. But she finds that she hardly cares. Dez is hosting a little gathering at his place, and she really wants to accept his invitation.

With the evening only hours away, she knows she has to make up her mind, so she slips upstairs to her room away from the hubbub of the preparations downstairs. She just finds it so hard to choose. As she begins to weigh her options, new questions rise in her mind. Why does this decision matter to her so much? Why does she even want to go to Dez's gathering? Before now, she's only ever wanted to spend the evening at her family's party. Sure, she always invites friends to join her, but she's always enjoyed the celebration. She knows that Dez's get-together will pale in comparison. He's sharing a small apartment with a friend, and while he is known for lavish gestures, she doesn't really think that that transfers to party planning. Further, it's not exactly something that Carrie would probably be very good at helping him with. Still, Trish feels like playing the part of a rebellious teenager and sneaking out to spend the night at the party of her choice, and she can't figure out why. It's just Dez, and it's just a lame "party" if you want to call it that. Her family's party is going to be so much more fun, but it's been so long she's gotten to hang out with Dez. Life has been so busy, and right now, all she wants to do is talk to him and hear him laugh and see his smile.

She doesn't know why she feels this way; she's sure she hasn't always. This is Dez, her freckled friend. When she thinks about the old days, she remembers snapping at him. He was so perfect to argue with because he always knew how to push her buttons. It wasn't vicious; she can only think of once or twice that they didn't end a spat on good terms. Even then, they made up quickly. Maybe it was because deep down she always appreciated him. How could she have not? He was good and kind, and he always understood her. He never said so, but she just knew that he did, and he knew that she knew. She had always loudly proclaimed that she didn't need to be understood-being liked was enough. Yet, nothing had compared to the warmth of being understood for what felt like the first time. Still, he had just been Dez, Austin's quirky friend who was always around. He didn't give her butterflies, and she didn't count down the days until she saw him.

But it isn't like that anymore, and the decision is making her finally have to admit it. She wants to go to the party because she'd give anything for a chill evening with Dez. There are going to be other guests. She knows Dez; he is going to squeeze as many as is humanly possible into his small apartment. He himself is going to be distracted talking to them, playing host as best he can. She probably won't even get a proper conversation with him. But he'll be there, and she'll be there, and that's all that matters to her right now. She's sure she could make him laugh at least once—he laughs at everything. She also knows he would give her a couple things to brew on for the next week. If she doesn't miss her guess, it would be one heartwarming, two ridiculous; that seems to be his typical ratio. She feels her heart rise with the thought and sighs. She wants to have that; she's desperate for that fun time and those memories.

A feeling of fear washes over her. How did she get here where it all matters so much? She can't care this much. She can't keep this many feelings buried in the sad, lonely cavern that is her chest. She is getting better at expressing her feelings. Recently, she has finally started choosing to believe that she's worth something and would be absolutely perfect for the right guy. That thought has given her courage and made her believe that the next time she liked a guy she wouldn't be afraid to tell him how she felt. But this situation is complicated so much so beyond even whether or not she would have the bravery to express her feelings. Dez is with Carrie, and according to Austin, he's been ring shopping lately. Knowing Dez that means that he could be thinking about getting engaged anywhere from six months to five years from now. Either way, it means he wants to spend the rest of his life with Carrie and that Trish is just an old friend who should keep her non-platonic feelings to herself. That thought feels positively cruel, and Trish shudders. Dez would never say it so harshly; he considers her a friend—one of the people he'd never dream of hurting. Nevertheless, it's the truth.

Trish grabs a tissue and tries to fight the tears that are coming to her eyes. Why is she here? Why does she always fall for the wrong guy-the guy she'd be wrong for, the guy who'd never love her? Why did she fall for Dez? She hasn't always been this attached to him. Before, she would have told you she was happy to get to spend a night away from him; now she'd give anything to get to go to his party. She sits down and pulls her phone out. Her memory has never been her strongest suite, but photos, photos always take her back. Like Dez always says, photos tell a story freezing a moment in time like an ice cube. It's quite poetic now that she thinks of it and certainly true. But isn't that Dez? He somehow has a gift for the profound and the ridiculous at the same time.

She scrolls back through the past few months-the de la Rosa family Christmas, her role as Maria in Westside Story, and the A&A Music Factory Christmas concert. She lands back in June which was her favorite month of the year. Her trip to the Grand Canyon with JJ was incredible, and Dez came home. Yes, that was when this all started when Dez came back. He was gone for four years attending film school and living the student life in LA. They kept in touch on the Team Austin group chat and just the two of them because they were friends and that's what friends do. But he was busy, and she was busy, so they didn't talk much. Still, she always look forward to hearing from him. He had left a hole in her life when he left. She didn't think about it much; her mind was caught up in acting and managing and adulting. When she thought of it, though, it was like the stockpiled feelings were released in an ache, and she'd wonder how he was and shoot him a text. That had continued for four long years. He had come home of course for Christmas and summer break at least at first. But summer became internships, and winter breaks were cut short by his part time job in LA. By the time he finally came back for good, it had been a year since she had last seen him. She'll never forget the day she saw him again. It was nothing fancy not unlike this little New Year's Eve party just a gathering of friends happy to have Dez back in Miami. She scrolls back to the pictures she has of that day. She looks at them but doesn't have to—she remembers everything anyway. Dez had been so happy. He is a lighthearted guy, but that day his heart had seemed ten times lighter. The dark circles under eyes that she had almost come to believe were part of his face were gone. He was just all light and joy and love. It was Dez like she had never seen before, and she wonders now if that's the day her heart took a spill.

It was simple day. The little party spent the afternoon at the arcade, and dusk found them on the roof of a parking garage shooting a video. Dez had had some new idea. It was trailer for an adventure movie or something, and he had insisted they shoot it right then and there. There had been a chase scene where Dez's friend had carried her. She had been so sure he was going to drop her, but fortunately, he hadn't. They had ended the day with ice cream at the little shop a few blocks from the music factory where they had always gone and sat outside and enjoyed the breeze and chatted until the shop closed. It was the type of day that she would have had with Austin and Ally and Dez back in high school, but that had been so long ago. She's smiling just thinking about it, a smile that's just a fraction of the smile she's remembers smiling that day. It had been pure joy. The weights of sorrow and loneliness were lifted off her heart, and she felt like she was reliving a simpler time when she had thought her life had been so hard but it really hadn't been.

At the time, she had explained her joy to herself as finding an end to the loneliness that had been her life since high school, reconnecting with old friends, and thinking of actually having a social life again. But she knows now that she was wrong. It was Dez. Everything changed when he came back because he had changed. He wasn't the same starry-eyed boy who'd left for film school four years before. He had just been Austin's friend and Carrie's boyfriend then, a wannabe filmmaker with just enough ambition and confidence to move 2,000 miles away for film school. He had come back a man. He looked the same. His quirky style hadn't changed nor had his crooked smile or his passion for filmmaking or his zest and passion for life. Yet, there was this substance to him, something on the inside for sure. It was something that made him strong, and somehow, she knew that he was now up for dealing with the pressures and sorrows of life. He had always seemed weak and in need of protecting before. A lot of the hardships of life had avoided his attention, and she was glad they had because she had known that if anything had destroyed his dream of filmmaking he would have been devastated. He would have walked through life disappointed, defeated, crippled by the weight of his broken dream. Seeing him so happy and carefree had told her he had known it too. Why wouldn't he have when he knew he loved his art with all his soul? Who would have know the depths of his battles with his insecurities more than he did? But now, where there had been uncertainty and fear, there was confidence and hopefulness. And suddenly it all made sense because there was nothing, nothing in all the world made Trish turn her head more than true confidence. She didn't like the fake kind that was just cockiness and insecurity in disguise. It was just plain ugly and drove her crazy, and she swore she'd never condescend to ending up with a guy like that. But the real kind, that was absolutely irresistible. It told of a person who would never be threatened by her success, who'd be there for her when she struggled because he had enough fortitude to deal with it.

Since then, she has to admit; it has been different. She has been feeling these feelings for months; she's just been stuffing them away covering them with all the stress and worry she feels about work and life and adulating. Today isn't the day she fell for Dez, and it wasn't yesterday nor the day before that. It was that day back in June when she realized for the first time that he was spectacular and that he had what she admired most in anyone and treasured most in herself. For these long months, she has been excited every time she got to see him, felt sad when she didn't, tried to make him laugh, felt like a queen when she did, tried to get his attention, felt at the center of the world when she did, missed him when he was gone, thought of him way too much even then, tried to act like she wasn't doing anything of these things so he wouldn't notice, lied to herself about it, and lied to herself about it the next day. It's been quite the journey, the weight of which never had hit her until now-New Year's Eve deciding whether or not to go to his party.

She still can't believe it. She, Trish de la Rosa, loves Dez Wade. If that weren't enough, he's not available. His heart is with Carrie. As much as he values Trish's friendship and appreciates her as a human being, he doesn't return the feelings. She knows that in the deepest, farthest corner of her heart. She has known it for months. Heck, anyone would know that. Still, she the loudest girl with the quietest feelings has managed to let her heart get past every lock she put on it to cultivate feelings for the guy whose heart will never be hers. She has been resolving every year to put her heart out there more, has been telling Ally that if she still loves Austin she had better let him know. And yet, she wasn't asking for this-for her heart to leave her chest only to make its way to the chopping block to be sliced into pieces with brutal blows. But that's what happened, and here she is head-over-heels with nothing to look forward to except those cruel blows.

Why? Why? Why? That's probably a better questions than which party she should attend. It's his confidence, but he's also unavailable, and this is not her way. If she's honest, she admits she can't help herself. She's too much now, too fearless to not feel just because the stakes are so high. Sure, she might lie to herself and make her feelings seem small and manageable, but her heart is too strong to stay hidden behind the locks she always put on it. She couldn't keep it in if she tried and ought she not call that beautiful? It wasn't always this way. Her heart used to be like Dez afraid of being smashed and unable to rise, but she's rallied her courage willing to face whatever she has to to let her heart grow stronger. Walking along, she's found others willing to help her along the way, and she's not who she used to. She's not the girl who keeps her heart locked away. It's what she's always wanted, and it's hers now. She feels like she could cry over it. So she's approaching heartbreak, what's that to her? It's a small price to pay to live more like Dez always has-heart first, passionately in love with what it means to be alive.

And Dez, isn't he worth it too? Not because he'll love her because she doesn't believe he ever will-it's not in the cards for them, and she's got to be okay with it. But he's a simply magnificent human unlike few she's ever met. He's so passionate about what he loves in other words life that she's sure he wakes up every morning with a smile on his face. He is starting out as a filmmaker in Miami because he loves the city, loves his family, loves Carrie too much to be anywhere else. She's sure everyone told him LA would be better, but he doesn't care. He is willing to blaze a trail, to work really hard for a few years to be where he wants to be-where his heart is. And the affection and care he shows toward her is so special too, even though he just considers her a good friend. He has tremendous respect for her life choices and believes she's going places just because that's the kind of person he is or maybe because he just knows these things. He's always been a bit of an odd ball, so she's not sure. And he calls her "T". She wasn't sure what to think the first time she heard it, but he said it with that little smile she loves so much, and she couldn't help smiling too. It's his name for her now, and she never wants him to go back.

She's going to his party, not because it's not going to hurt seeing him with Carrie, not because no one in her family is going to ask her about it over the next year but simply because she wants to see him. It doesn't matter that he'll never love her the same way. She can't be so narrow in her prospective that she doesn't appreciate what they do have-the caring, respect, admiration, and understanding they share. Dez is the best friend a girl could ask for Ally aside, of course, but girl best friends are different, and she be darned if she ever even started to compare them. She can't stop being grateful that she's capable of caring this much, grateful that she has someone just so wonderful to care about. Maybe hearts are like artistic eyes and drawn to beauty when they see it. She never knew that before, but how is that a surprise when she's learning so much these days? Her heart is happy yet sorrowful at the same time as she gets up to help go downstairs and help again. It feels like a balance carefully leveled, and she feels strong, settled ready to take whatever life sends her way. Everything finally feels right; she'll take it.


End file.
